Tag: funny stuff

Friday Funnies – Bluegrass Vernacular

Our lake starting to freeze

It’s funny in a way, but my accent seems to have returned with a vengence. It’s more “drawly” than it was when I lived here for 25 years. Probably because I’m much farther south. My speech is rapidly deteriorating into a kind of “valley surfer drawl.” I use “y’all,” “Duuuude” and “totaly” with equal frequency. It’s weird, I hear these phrases coming out of my mouth and my brain is like “where did THAT come from.” Ah, but I digress. Here are a few “totally Kentucky” phrases I have noticed creeping into my vernacular and their translations.

“Y’all” is singular. “All Y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive.

“Bless your Heart” is a nice way of saying you’re an idiot

“Dirty Bird” is KFC

“Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit” – translation “holy cr*p”

“Fair to middlin'” means doing OK

“slicker’n snot on a doorknob” – really slippery and … ewwwwwww

“I reckon'” – I think

“Fixin to” – getting ready to do something, does not mean something’s broken.

“Have a gooden” – have a good day

“T’other day” – can mean any time in the past several months

We had record breaking snowfall yesterday with 9-10 inches of the white stuff. I’m off to watch the ducks in the ice-free parts of our lake.

Til next time ~Y’all have a gooden ~JP

Happy Thanksgiving – How to Stuff a Turkey

From my polyvore collection

How to stuff a turkey

The plan:
Melt a stick of organic unsalted butter in a small saucepan with the juice and zest of one lemon and one tablespoon of fresh thyme leaves from the garden. Take the giblets out of the turkey and wash the turkey inside and out. Remove any excess fat and leftover pinfeathers and pat the outside dry. Place the turkey in a large roasting pan. Liberally salt and pepper the inside of the turkey cavity. Stuff the cavity with a bunch of thyme, halved lemon, quartered onion, and cloves of garlic. Brush the outside of the turkey with the butter mixture massaging gently and sprinkle with salt and pepper. Tie the legs together with string and tuck the wing tips under the body of the turkey. Pour a cup of hot spiced wine and relax while turkey cooks.

Execution:
Grab turkey giblets bag and yank out of turkey along with a liter of frozen turkey blood & guts. Swear profusely when the giblets bag hits the floor with a splat and breaks open. Gulp hot wine, burning tongue in process swear profusely. Shove gibletless turkey into sink and grab a roll of paper towels and bottle of spray cleaner. Grab a bottle of chilled wine, pour a glass to fortify your constitution and cool your burned tongue. Squirt leftover lime juice from margarita night into turkey butt and toss in a handful of italian seasoning. Glass another pour of wine. Rub a stick of margarine over turkey, sprinkle liberally with every dried spice you have, shove rest of the butter up the turkey butt. Giggle inanely about “turkey butt.” Another wine of glass get. Ponder meat thermometer and whether or not to shove it up turkey butt. Wrink some dine. Put turkey in oven. Boddle empty, grab another. Remember to turn on oven. Roast self with another winey. Turk the bastey, wine the drink. Cook for 4 hours, remove the oven from the turkey. Fick up the purkey off the tloor, invent new curse words. Grab another wottle of bine, pour a glass of turkey. Turk the carvey thing, set the table. Look around in state of confusion when no one arrives at the appointed dinner hour. Pour cup of hot wine, add ice. Ponder the meaning of “daylight savings time.” Look at phone buzzing in hand, text message “want pizza for dinner? Wednesday night special?” Drop phone.

Til next time ~Happy Thanksgiving ~JP

What Day Is It Anyway? — Coping with Covid

3.25.20 bill the cat
Image found on Pinterest

For Linda’s What day is it anyway, a little something I got from my sister this morning. 😉

Happy Easter Monday! See, I do know what day it is! I wanted to share with you something I saw recently. A Dr. on TV was saying that during this time of pandemic, lockdowns, slowdowns, and quarantines we should focus on ourselves and our inner peace.

He also said it was a good time to look around us and finish up some of those things we started but have left unfinished. So, I looked through my house to find some things I started and hadn’t finished.

I finished off a botter of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha wemander of a Valuminium scriptun, and a box of chocletz.

Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now! So I’m sneding this to all who ned inner piss, don’t foget to hash yer wands, has a stafe day avrybobby!

Give Peas a Chance

Til next time ~All I am saying, is ‘buy peas in cans’ ~JPP

Monday Window – Fear

3.26.20 Afraid
About the photo: Fear Factory year round haunted house in Queenstown, NZ. Revived from an old haunted hotel, you can read more about it here.

For Ludwig’s Monday Window challenge

Afraid

Ran out of toilet paper
afraid I won’t find more
running out of vegetables
afraid of grocery stores
out of social contact
afraid of being bored
found last hand sanitizer
at least that’s one I scored

My Corona — Chris Mann

Til next time ~Peace ~JPP

JusJoJan 20 – Humor

jusjojan 2020

Linda’s JusJoJan prompt for January 20th, 2020, is “humor.” Today’s prompt comes to us compliments of Sadje. Thank you so much, Sadje!

“In life and in death, always, always keep your sense of humor.” W.R. Copeland

laugh-pixabay
Image by Alexas_Fotos from Pixabay

Humor

When things don’t go your way
and there’s nothing left to say
turn that frown, upside down

When life gives you the shaft
don’t be gloomy, have a laugh
and laugh away those blues today

Speculation and wild rumor
take it with a sense of humor
In the war on reality
it’s the only weapon we have

Always look on the bright side of life ~ Eric Idle

Til next time ~Peace ~JPP

SoCS – The Key to Her Success

socs-badge-2019-2020

For Linda’s Stream of Consciousness Saturday

Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “key.” Use it any way you’d like. Have fun!

weight-loss-pixabay
Image by TeroVesalainen from Pixabay

The Key to Her Success

The skinny little wretch sat there on the barstool, mocking me.

“Oh the key to my dieting success? I just forget to eat sometimes.” She said it calmly while scarfing down an order of wings with blue cheese and one of those silly froo-froo cocktails with enough sugar to put someone like me into a coma.

I may have rolled my eyes just a little while she polished off the double order of grease and goo. I mean honestly, forget to eat? Really? Lady you gotta be some kind of stupid to forget to eat.

Now I’m in my 60’s, and I’ve forgotten a LOT of things. I’ve forgotten the budget report the day I was supposed to present it to the board of directors. I’ve forgotten my keys, forgotten where I parked my car (once when I was at home). I’ve forgotten my parents anniversary, I’ve forgotten my own anniversary. I’ve forgotten my children’s names, I’ve forgotten my purse, my phone, my bra (yeah let’s not dwell on that one). I’ve forgotten to unplug the iron, I’ve forgotten how the heck to open that stupid child-proof zip lock bag and had to get my grandson to help me. But never, ever, not once, have I forgotten to EAT.

“You don’t look bad honey, you should just get so busy you forget all about eating for awhile.”

I smiled my best Monalisa smile, snatched the last wing off the plate, chugged the last of my light beer and belched. “Sorry girlfriend, just won’t work.”

“Why ever not?”

“Eidetic memory.”

Skinny people, bah …. humbug.

Til next time ~Peace ~JPP

Thanksgiving

gandolf

For the second time in 12 years, I find myself NOT cooking dinner for 200+ people. No really, I made Thanksgiving dinner at an RV park we stayed at. Park bought the turkey, gravy, ham and potatoes. I shoveled stuff in and out of ovens, peeled, cooked and mashed 60 pounds of potatoes! Yeah, kind of glad that’s over with 😉 Last year we were in New Zealand where in February they celebrate Waitangi Day a national day of thanksgiving. Ahhhh the memories.

A special treat from the old memory archives

Happy Thanksgiving one and all ~JPP

Spoonie Life Lyric – an imitation lyric poem

pills

Frank Hubeny is hosting at dVerse Poets Pub and in critiques and craft asks us to practice the imitation of a favored style of poetry.

I have always loved the style of lyric poetry. Often transmuted with music into “songs” from “Ode to Billy Joe” to “Good Stuff” to “Honey” they are (imo) poetry, sonnets sometimes, that tell a story with a really catchy tune thrown in for good measure (pun intended). It’s a style of writing that I love to imitate. On a personal note, I’m in the middle of an autoimmune flare of epic proportions right now so I’m feeling the need for a little Spoonie humor (bear with me I have anesthesia brain).

Ode to Prednisone*
(if you’re in a musical state of mind, sing to the tune of the theme from “Spiderman”)

Prednisone, oh Prednisone
you gave me cataracts
and several broken bones
Once again I’m stuck with you
’cause the doctors don’t know
what else to do
so here I am
back on the Prednisone

Prednisone, oh Prednisone
I put drugs in my lungs
but the wheeze ain’t gone
I’ve got drops going
in my eyes
and fat cells multiplying
on my thighs
oh crap I’m back on the Prednisone

Prednisone, oh Prednisone
the mood swings you cause
are bad enough alone
water on my ankles
and my knees
but for some reason
I still can’t pee
watch out, I’m back on the Predisone
watch out, I’m back on the Prednisoooooone

*Prednisone is an immunosuppressant medication in the drug class of corticosteroids commonly used to treat autoimmune disorders and many other diseases as well. The list of side effects is ominous and waaaay to long to list here so if your curious google it.

Til next time

~When the Devil whispers “you can’t withstand the storm”
the Spoonie Warrior screams back “F #$% OFF I’M ON PREDNISONE AND I’LL RIP YOUR FACE OFF!”  😉

~JPP